


This Love is Tainted

by axhilles



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction, One Direction (Band), Zarry - Fandom, Zarry Stykik, harry styles/zayn malik - Fandom, zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Angry Harry, Angst, Drunk Zayn, F/M, Jealous Zayn, M/M, Pining Zayn, Post-Zayn One Direction, Sad Ending, Sad Harry, Sad Zayn, Slow Updates, Zayn Leaves One Direction, also this is my first fic be kind, i have no idea what im doing, i literally have no idea how ao3 works, zarry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-03-27 09:36:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13878156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axhilles/pseuds/axhilles
Summary: Things are hard when your every move is watched by the world. Things are even more difficult when you're in love with your bandmate.(Also on wattpad under the same title & user)





	1. I Found My Love In Between Shots and Getting High

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, first of all, thank you for reading! any feedback would be great! This is my first gay fic, and also my first fic on ao3. I have posted my writing online before, but as I'm sure fellow writers would agree, it's hard, so feedback means the world.
> 
> Also, I have a playlist on Spotify that I would recommend, under the same name. just search "this love is tainted" and it should come up!
> 
> Hope you enjoy,  
> all the love, d x

" _I_ _found my life in between shots and getting high,_  
_The cage I was in fell away when she asked me to dance again._ "

 

6th of December, 2014

Zayn turned his eyes to the night sky as he stumbled out of the club. He took in a deep breath of the cool air, in through his nose and out through his mouth. He shook his head, trying to clear it of the club atmosphere, and he started down a well-known path. Turning left, he took the back streets of the city to Harry's flat, being careful not to trip over his own feet. His own flat was too far away in his drunken state and his head was pounding, disoriented and dizzy. In short, Zayn was fucked.

The backstreets to Harry's flat from the city centre was engraved in the mind of Zayn, almost inked into his palms. He could get there with his eyes shut if he had too. H didn't know if he was proud to admit that. He didn't know if he was proud to admit that Harry and his gentle fingers running through Zayn's hair were the only things sent him to sleep, either.

Besides, the back roads provided a welcoming refuge from the paps, the fans, the all too consuming and overwhelming mess his life was. Sure, he was grateful, for everything, but this wasn't him.

Knocking on the door, he called out to Harry. "Open up!" He leaned his head against the door, resting. That was until Harry opened and Zayn tumbled in. Regaining his footing, he grinned. "'Ello, love."

Harry sighed, and closed the door. "Thought you weren't goin' out tonight?"

"Changed my mind." Zayn shrugged. Why had he changed his mind? He couldn't quite recall. All he could recall was that we knew he wasn't ready for the upcoming tour. Time off had been nice. He needed more. He took in Harry's messy, sleep crumbled appearance and his rough voice. His hair was sticking up in random places, and flat in others. He wore his yellow boxes (Zayn's favourite on him), and one of Zayn's old shirts. Zayn didn't need to ask if he'd woken him, he knew he had and a pang of guilt flashed through him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

Harry shrugged. "'S fine." He said. "C'mon, I'll get you a glass of water." But everything was always fine with Harry. Zayn could show up on his doorstep covered in someone else's blood and all Harry would say is it's fine.

Zayn followed Harry through to the flat's kitchen. Though small, it suited Harry and all his domestic needs. Zayn noticed the tub of homemade chocolate chip cookies, probably made by Harry using his Nan's recipe. But then he noticed that everything had doubled. Two dinner plates in the skin, two empty coffee mugs, two empty glasses. Looking from the dirty dishes to Harry, he frowned. "Have you had someone over?"

Harry looks at Zayn catching his glance at the dirty plates in the sink. "Yeah." He said as he grabs a clean glass.

Zayn bit his lip to stop it from wobbling, emotions heightened by the alcohol running through his body. He would not drunk cry. "Oh." was all he said. He felt stupid.

Harry handed Zayn the glass of water. "Thanks." He mumbled. Taking a drink before setting the glass down on Harry's marble bench top. Zayn looked at Harry and thought the way the moonlight shining through the kitchen window illuminating his face was the most beautiful thing ever. "Can we go for a drive?"

Zayn loved driving with Harry, drunk or not. Something about his dumb 70's soft rock playlists and the lights overhead or the scenery passing by put him at ease. Harry only nodded, always ever so gentle around Zayn and ran upstairs. When he returned, Harry was dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. He grabbed his keys out of the bowl he kept by the end of the breakfast table and left.

Zayn finished the rest of the water before chasing after Harry and claiming his seat in Harry's range rover.

"Do you want the music?" Harry asked, turning the key in the ignition and holding up the aux cord. When Zayn shook his head, Harry plugged his phone in, pressing shuffle. "Do you want food?" Harry reversed out of his driveway.

"Yes." Zayn nodded.

"'Course." Was all Harry said as if he knew Zayn would say yes, before driving off.


	2. Still Adrift

_“What is love_

_Did I miss it_

_Am I home_

_Or still adrift”_

_\- Love Brought Weight • Old Sea Brigade_

 

 

**4th of January, 2015**

 

It's been almost a month since Zayn last saw Harry. They departed with soft goodbye's and gentle touches of the hand. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

The band had departed over Christmas, returning to LA on the 2nd. Each member wishing each other well wishes, and love to their families. Time with his mum had been exactly what Zayn had wanted but even in the haven of his home, he still felt the prying eyes of the press glued to him. The articles that covered newspapers Christmas time last year proved the bad boy claims to be true... or as true as the press wanted them to be. Rumours of possible drug addictions, disharmony within the band when Zayn didn't join the boys for the press tour for their fourth album. But honestly, he was just tired. Tired of the same questions, the same routine, the same paps, the same fans, the same music, the same tours, all for four years. And here they were again, getting ready to embark on their biggest tour yet.

 

A meeting had been called this morning, in regards to the tour that started in a month, in the beautifully hot land of Australia. Zayn didn't want to go.

 

"But you have too." Liam said, as they pulled into Syco HQ. "You're on the album, we can't perform the songs without you."

 

Liam was like Zayns version of a confession box. He knew everything, from the situation with Harry to the situation with his mind. Liam knew everything.

 

"You'd find a way."

 

"You better not let Harry hear you talking like this." Liam said, looking his car.

 

"I know." Was all Zayn said as his pulled his hoodie up, protecting himself from the morning LA rain. At least it would be warm in Australia.

 

 

Everyone was spread out in the meeting room. Louis and Niall day next to each other, Harry day on the opposite side of the table. Liam sat at the head of the table. Zayn opted for a somewhere between Liam and Harry.

 

"How was your family?" Zayn asked Harry, elbows on the table.

 

Harry ignored him.

 

And that's how the rest of the meeting went. Harry ignoring Zayn, only replying to the other band members and Simon, who layed out the plan for the tour, the two tour busses that were hired, the team they'd be bringing along, etc.

 

By the end of the meeting, Zayn was tired and cold and wanted nothing more than to go home and cuddle up in bed with a reply of Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. But he knew that wouldn't be the case.

 

Following Liam out of the studio and back to his car, the cold air burned its way through Zayn's lungs.

 

The plan was they'd all meet at Dublin's Irish for a hearty lunch. Harry would probably get something like the Kale Caeser. Liam would get a burger and Niall would get Dublin Nachos. Louis would get fried Calamari. Zayn would settle for a bowl of chips.

 

The pretty waitress that took their order obviously only had eyes for Niall, making Liam poke at his sides, teasing him, the two of them grinning.

 

After the waitress left, Niall turned back to Liam. "Oi, stop it ya bludger!" Niall said, shoving Liam back.

 

"She's fit, lad." Louis said, an equally big grin on his face. "Get her number."

 

"She's probably got a boyfriend." Niall shrugged.

 

"Worth a try." Liam added.

 

By the time their food had arrived, Liam and Louis had convinced Niall to ask the waitress for her number, and after she'd sat all their plates and drinks down on their table, Niall new concern was how he exactly was going to ask her for her number.

 

"I mean, I can't exactly just be like, can I have your number!"

 

"Why not?" Louis asked around a mouth full of chips.

 

"Well, I'd make an ass of myself!"

 

"To be fair, that's how normal people ask for numbers." Liam shrugged and Louis agreed.

 

Niall went to pay for their meals, and returned with a number under the name of "Callie" scrawled on the back of a receipt.

 

A few more minutes of chatter, and they each parted ways with promises to see each other before tour.

 

The drive to Zayns was quiet, the engine of Liam's Lamborghini Aventador rumbling quietly around them. Liam knew Zayn was eager to get home, taking the quickest route he knew. God, if Zayn was most grateful for anyone in his life, his mum and Liam would be in the top two.

 

"Thank you, Liam." Zayn said, as Liam pulled into his drive way.

 

"Don't mention it." Was all Liam said, giving Zayn a closed smile. "Get some rest, maybe call Harry tonight."

 

"Maybe." Zayn said as he closed the car door. He walked up to his front door, unlocking it.

 

His house was so unnecessarily big. So cold, empty. Of course, Perrie was around sometimes for pr reasons but other than that, Zayn was completely alone save Mariana, the carer who came around every Monday morning.

 

Zayn had tried to tell her that her services weren't needed, but she refused to go. "Someone needs to look after you, my boy." She bakes cakes, cookies, laid out a diet plan for him, made sure his house way clean. She was a god send.

 

She was a kind woman, with two grown kids she had told Zayn about. He valued her company.

 

When Zayn tried to explain how bad he felt about her employment - basically slavery - she only laughed at him. "Oh my dear boy," she said. "I love my job."

 

Zayn made his way through the house, his footsteps echoing off the cold, white tiles. He reached his bedroom, setting up the tv for a marathon of Harry Potter.

 

As he clicked play, he settled beneath the covers, a cup of tea at his bedside table, his phone laying next to him, face up, waiting for Harry's call.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Hi everyone!
> 
> Thank you for the votes and the reads!! It means so much to me, I really didn't expect the first chapter to do this well, but I believe we're ranked at 890 under the tag for Zayn! I'm not really sure what that means but I assume it's good.
> 
> Sorry if this chapters a little dull, I just wanted to focus on zayn and the tour. 
> 
> Feed back is always welcomed! Thank you for reading.
> 
> \- all my love,  
> Axhilles x

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading everyone! don't forget to guve the playlist a listen and visit my tumblr - axhillxs
> 
> love, d x


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